I keep waiting...

for things to get easier.

to find my place.

for things to make sense.

for those "AHA!" moments when a student understands something I explained.

for students to understand I am here to help.

for me to feel like I know what I am doing.

for me to feel like I am actually doing what I am supposed to be doing.

for PEC to become something okay, and not something stigmatized.

for my students to understand that its okay to do your work, or to like school, or to enjoy reading or writing or learning.


Today was a hard day. But then again, most of them are. Each day I feel like I have not succeeded in some way. Each day I feel like there is something else I could have said or something more I could have done. Our teacher called it the "disillusionment" phase of your first year of teaching -- when you feel like you're doing everything you can just to keep your head above water, and consistently thinking to yourself "What am I doing here?" or "What have I gotten myself into?"

I'm there. I'm so there.

More and more every day I am aware of why I am here as I interact with my students. And more and more every day this system makes it more difficult for me to do my job. I have multiple students who are on a 1-3 grade reading level and with math skills on par with 1st-3rd graders. How is it fair that a student makes it to 9th grade on those levels?? I am constantly enraged at what this school system has done to my students. It is going to take everything in me to give them what they deserve. They have been abandoned by other teachers, and I have to make up for that.

These past few days have been some of the hardest. I am having difficulty with things involved in getting my Master's. I am also dealing with PEC students who do not want me to talk to them or even look at them. Some appreciate the help (at least in their own way) but I have lots of work with others to get them to understand I am not here to embarrass them but to help them. I am also having difficulty with my advisory. I came into this so excited about that chance to connect even further with students, however I am realizing how much time that is going to take. Zach often reminds me that it wasn't cool to like teachers at any other school except my nerd school. But yesterday we talked about bullying and I was completely disheartened by some of the things they said. It becomes more and more clear what different backgrounds we come from. Not to say that we have nothing in common or that we will never be able to connect, but these students live such different lives in such a different world. It breaks my heart the way that some of them think about things and view their world. I hope that I will be able to teach them something about what life can be like for them.

A few years ago in church we learned about "breath prayers." Mine lately has become "God grant me the serenity." It is first a request for peace of mind and secondly a reminder to myself of the full prayer which tells me to have courage to change what I can and most importantly lately the wisdom to know the difference.

"Man, this the slow class.."

Today I pulled my ninth graders out of their math support class in order to give them a diagnostic to determine their strengths and weaknesses. One of them told me the quote I used as the title. Mind you, the "Math Support" class is already a class for students who are weak in math and get recommended for it by their 8th grade math teachers. I wanted to respond, that's a slow class too, but I refrained. I can understand not wanting to be called out from a class. However, I did it in the most discreet way possible. Instead of letting the students begin class in the room and then going to get them, I asked the teacher to send them to me as soon as he saw them in the hall. I understand they don't want to be seen as different, or slow, or whatever they or the other kids say. I explained to them my reasoning behind giving them another diagnostic (I gave them one on Monday that actually didn't give me much information, except that they all failed.) I also tried to explain my role. I told them I wasn't there to embarrass them or make them feel bad -- my job was to help them in any way that I could. I told them I only wanted to get them so smart that they beat all the other students when it came time to take our End of Course Tests (EOCTs). Some of them are behind me. Others, I still have to convince.

I also sent a student to time out today. I didn't know what else to do. He repeatedly disobeyed me. So I told him if he would act like an adult I would treat him like one, but until then I would treat him like the elementary school student he was acting like. I would like to think that it set some sort of tone. I'm worried it will just backfire. He told me I wouldn't have to worry about him talking in my class anymore because he was going to get switched out of my advisory. We'll see about that. I can't imagine that they would let him switch, but I have seen crazier things happen already this year.

I am working on a way to really invest my advisees in our class. So far, they are bored and unengaged. I have to keep reminding myself that it is only the second week of school. I guess I was pretty cocky thinking that I would immediately be beloved by all! I know it will get better. I remind myself of it every day. Two days until the weekend, and tomorrow is payday (*hopefully* -- if they got my paperwork in town. If not, I have $7 to my name until Labor Day).

I feel like I am praying with every breath I take...

I don't even know what to post. Things have gotten better since the first day, but today was a pretty rough day. I'm trying to stay positive, especially since I know it will ONLY get harder. I finally got my own classroom and a 9th grade advisory (like a homeroom but I get to do some more fun stuff with them -- potentially). The 9th graders are an interesting mix. Some of them are eager, some of them are so lazy and negative I want to smack them. The point of advisory is to be fun. We have somewhat of a curriculum, but its things like relationship building and peer pressure and dating and those kinds of things. All the stuff I loved about being a Camp Counselor. Unfortunately, I haven't one my kids over yet. Its early in the morning and they would rather be quiet and bored than do any of my activities with me. I am going to have to get creative in motivating them.

I am consistently frustrated by the system here. So much for walking the walk. I am getting plenty of lessons in patience and figuring out what I do and don't have control over.

The 9th grade class reads on average at the level of a 5th grader. So far 2 are actually on a 9th grade level.

Today might not have been the best day to update. I know things will get better. I know I need time to get to know my advisees before they trust me enough to actually have fun. I know I need time to gain the trust of the teachers, too. I'm just impatient. About so many things in my life right now.

But can you walk the walk?

So its now t-minus 5 days until I am standing in front of my high school students, praying that they will respect me. What a mixture of excitement and terror. I am anxious to get started with something I have been thinking and praying about for so long.
I have spent the last week at APS (Atlanta Public Schools) training sessions, orientation to my school, faculty and departmental meetings, TFA training sessions and meetings with my co-teacher(s). I am initially placed as the PEC (Program for Exceptional Children -- the new way of saying Special Ed) teacher for 11th and 12th grade -- primarily working with the ELA (English Language Arts) teacher, Mrs. D. She is a no-nonsense lady who has been teaching for more than twenty years and I am excited to work with her. She has already "taken me under her wing." I also like my principal so far. Both Mrs. D and Mrs. G seem to understand the purpose and the importance of the PEC program. As per my title -- they certainly talk the talk -- I'm anxious to see if they can walk the walk.
Yesterday I was told that I may also co-teach history. At first, I was nervous. However, I felt better soon. The 11th/12th grade history teacher, who is also the grade-level team leader, is a 2nd year TFA (CM) Corps Member who was Teacher of the Year last year -- hallelujah!! I can already tell he is going to be great to work with and they will all definitely be a support team for me. I also learned that there is another 2nd year CM at my school, so I am excited to meet her as well.
All in all, this past week has been a positive experience. As the only new teacher at STEMS, and therefore the only 1st year teacher, I was worried about how I would be viewed or treated. But everyone has been so friendly so far. I am making relationships with teachers both within my grade assignment and those who aren't and also in a range of subjects. So far, I feel like I have been placed in a good situation. I know I will certainly have my challenged -- but I am in a better place than many of my peers.

Culture shocks for this week:
---metal detectors guard the doors where the students enter the school
---Mrs. D told me that of the 56 seniors, roughly half of which are girls. Of these girls, she could only think of 3 or 4 who had never been pregnant.
---I am one of two white teachers at my school. A school which I am told has no white students.

This will be interesting...